Suka-suka aja. Terserah gue! Blog blog gue geto looooh...

OBAMA

2012-01-31T14:20:00.002+07:00

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the President's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, why was he so interested in talking to you. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

President Obama then said, "so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant", to which Michelle responded, "no, if I had married him, he would now be the President."

Obama, "Why is that?"

Michelle, "Because behind every successful man there is an amazing woman."

BREAKING NEWS!

2012-01-27T18:07:00.000+07:00

Copas tetangga sebelah. Tanpa editing sesuai aslinya:
"Breaking News..!!

Berita Prihatin: Baru saja, di Sumber Waras Jakarta, seorang bayi lahir TANPA TULANG. Bayi tersebut lahir hanya di tunggu oleh opungnya, karena tulangnya lagi sibuk narik metro mini :D

The baby burn.

2012-01-16T15:17:00.001+07:00

Suami-istri orang Singapore sedang bertengkar sehubungan dengan kelahiran anak mereka.

Husband, "you white, me white! why the baby is black ?!!"

Wife, "you hot, me hot... the baby burn laaa!"

Jaman kakek dulu...

2012-01-16T12:44:00.002+07:00

Seorang kakek berbicara kepada cucunya, "Kamu tahu ga Cu? Di jaman kakek masih muda dulu segalanya enak sekali, kamu bisa pergi ke toko dengan uang seribu, dan mendapatkan sepotong roti, telur selusin, semangka, dan sepeda terbaru."

Cucu, "Kalo sekarang gimana Kek?"

Kakek, "Wah kalo sekarang susah Cu, karena jaman sekarang di toko ada kamera CCTV-nya."

HAHAHAHAHA.....

2012-01-11T10:40:00.000+07:00

Sepasang kekasih, Widja dan Depi lagi berduaan di ruang tamu...

Depi: "Bang, bibir Neng kena sariawan...jadi agak susah ngomong...".

Widja: "Sini biar abang cium, pasti sembuh... (tu cowok kemudian mencium bibir pacarnya) "Gimana rasanya ???".

Depi: "Gmana gimana gitu, Bang...ehm, sariawan Neng sembuh sih...tapi Bang, kok leher Neng yang jadi sakit gini...".

Widja: "Sini biar abang cium, pasti sembuh (tu cowok lalu menciumi leher pacarnya) "Gimana sekarang rasanya..???".

Depi: "Wow...sakitnya hilang Bang...tapi koq sakitnya jadi pindah ke dada Neng ya..???"

Widja: "Kalau gitu biar abang ciumin dada Neng yaa...???".

Tiba-tiba Nenek si cewek yang dari tadi mendengar pembicaraan mereka berdua, muncul dan berkata ....:
"Eh Wid, lu bisa sembuhin penyakit Ambeien gue kali ya....kayaknya elu punya MULUT AJAIB gitu.... Tolong dong...

Di Kebun Binatang!

2011-12-23T11:53:00.001+07:00

Situasi Minggu pagi di bagian Informasi Kebun Binatang.

Bu Maman, "Mbak, tolong diumumkan dong, bapaknya anak2 terpisah dari keluarga"

Petugas, "Terakhir pisahnya di mana, Bu?"

Bu Maman, "Di kandang monyet, mbak, biar gampang kami tunggu di sana saja ya Mbak."

Sesaat kemudian petugas mengumumkan,"PANGGILAN UNTUK BAPAK MAMAN, HARAP KEMBALI KE KANDANG MONYET, KARENA DITUNGGU KELUARGANYA."

Merokok vs Menyusui

2011-10-12T12:39:00.003+07:00

Seorang ibu muda cantik yang sedang menyusui menegur seorang pemuda bangor yang sedang merokok di dekatnya.

"Mas, Mas... Maaf kalo mau merokok di ruang merokok dong. Ini si kecil terganggu dan jadi bangun." Ujar si ibu sambil menunjuk ke si kecil yang sedang menyusui di dadanya.

"Ya mbak... Maaf juga... tapi Mbak kalo mau nyusuin di ruang menyusui dong? Ini si kecil saya juga terganggu dan jadi ikut bangun." sahut si pemuda sambil menunjuk ke arah selangkangannya.

Akibat sering dibo'ongin

2011-10-12T12:25:00.002+07:00

Tole umur 4 tahun bertanya pada Ibunya, "Bu orang2 di pos ronda pada ngomong Vagina, apa sih artinya?"

Dengan kaget si Ibu menjawab bijak, "Vagina itu Piring."

"Trus kalo Penis apa bu?"

Tambah bingung si Ibu menjawab "Penis itu Tangan."

"Ooh.." Tole mencoba memahami, "Kalo ML bu?"

Tambah shock, si Ibu menjawab, "ML itu Ngobrol" (sudah ngawur jawabnya).

"Oh yah? Kalo Toket apa bu?"

Tambah pusing si Ibu menjawab "Toket itu Kue."

Setelah menjawab semua itu, si Ibu dengan kepusingan masuk ke dalam dan mencuci piring.

Selang beberapa lama, Pak Haji Wahono datang dan bertanya ke Tole, "Le, mamah mu dimana?"

Dengan lantang Tole menjawab, "Mamah lagi nyuci Vagina. Mau dipanggilin? Cuma biasanya Mamah kalo nyuci Vagina lama pak haji... sampe bersih & wangi. Kalo sudah selesai Mamah suka coba cium vagina putih yang sudah mamah cuci."

"Astaghfirullah!!" Pak haji Wahono berujar karena kaget bukan main.

"Kok Astgahfiullah? Pak haji nyariin Mamah mau ML kan?"

"Astaghfirullah!!!!" Tambah pusing si pak haji.

"Oh yah, pak haji mau nyobain toket Mamah juga yah? Enak lho... Om Denny aja suka sama toket mamah, katanya enak... Papah juga bilang gitu, apalagi kalo Papah & om Denny lagi ML, pasti mereka nyicipin toket mamah sampe berebutan...

"ASTAGHFIRULLAH!!!!!" Pak Haji makin shock.

"Oh satu lagi, Papah suka pesen kalo mau nyobain toket Mamah harus cuci Penis dulu biar hygine. Toketnya enak dan vaginanya bersih, masa Penisnya kotor? Kalo semuanya bersih kan pak haji enak ML nya..."

Gubraaakkkk!!!! Ga tahan lagi Pak haji langsung pingsan.

Si Midun mabok

2011-09-15T18:55:00.002+07:00

Midun yang mabok abis pesta miras, subuh2 ke Masjid (mau insyap kali...) trus ustadz Salim tanya ke si mabuk itu.

"Mau ngapain lu Dun?"

"Sholat subuh laah Ustadz."

"Berape roka'at?"

"Tiga aja"

Diusirlah si Midun, karena ternyata masih teler.

Di pintu masjid, Midun ketemu Rojak yg mau sholat subuh. Midun yang masih sempoyongan nanya ke Si Rojak.

"Mo ngapain lu Jak?"

"Sholat subuh lah."

"Berape roka'at?"

"Dua...."

"Bwhuahahaha pulang aja lu Jak. Gue aja yg tiga roka'at kagak boleh.... apalagi elu cuman DUA !"=D =))

Daddy , how was I Born?

2011-08-22T12:54:00.002+07:00

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father Answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I Set up a date via e-mail with your Mom

and we met at a cyber-cafe..

We Sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother Agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload,

We discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,

and since it was too Late to hit the delete button,

nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that

Said:

'You've got
Male!'

Renungan dari negeri Malay!

2011-08-15T15:08:00.001+07:00

Duit RM1 telah bertemu dengan duit RM50 dan bertanya: " Oit, lama tak nampak, mana ko pergi?"

RM50 menjawab, " Aku pergi merata tempat. Pergi stadium tengok bola, gi Karaoke, tengok wayang, lepak One Utama, konsert AF, M'sian Idol..tempat2 cam tuh lah. Eh, ko camner lak?"

RM1 menjawap perlahan seraya menunduk, "Hmm..biasa lah.. Balik-balik tempat sama.. surau, masjid, surau, masjid.

Renung-renungkan lah & Selamat Berbuka.

UANG SIAL!

2011-08-15T12:08:00.001+07:00

Istri. : Pah kapan dapet THR?

Suami : Kemarin kan papah sudah kasih ke mama?

Istri : Ooh, yang kemaren ya? Nah kalo uang yang di laci papah?

Suami : Uang yang mana?

Istri : Itu yang di amplop coklat, di bawah pojok, ketutupan tumpukan amplop surat dan tagihan tagihan kartu kredit

Suami : Oooohhh....yang itu? Itu sih uang sial Ma...

Istri : Kok uang sial Pah?

Suami : IYA, SIAL.....UDEH DIUMPETIN MASIH KETAHUAN JUGA.

Cerita mengharukan

2011-08-12T11:00:00.000+07:00

Ada seorang bapak yang kaya raya sedang melewati sebuah kampung yg terpencil. Dari atas mobil mewahnya, ia melihat seorang ibu sedang memakan rumput.

Bapak itupun turun dari mobilnya & menghampiri ibu tsb, kemudian bertanya:

Bapak, "Bu, kenapa ibu makan rumput?"

Ibu, "Saya ini janda yg sangat miskin Pak, jadi saya tidak sanggup membeli beras."

Bapak, "Kalau gitu mari ikut ke rumah saya, Bu!"

Ibu, "Tapi saya punya anak 7 orang, Pak"

Bapak, "Anak2 Ibu, makan rumput juga?"

Ibu (sambil menangis), "Iya Pak".

Bapak, "Sudahlah, tidak apa2. Ibu bawa aja semua anak2 Ibu sekalian!"

Lalu si ibu & anak2nya naik ke dalam mobil menuju ke rumah bapak itu & karena penasaran si ibu bertanya:

Ibu, "Terima kasih Pak. Kenapa Bapak baik sekali pada kami?"

Bapak, "Ah nggak apa2 Bu, kebetulan aja rumput di rumah saya udah panjang".

Makan yang dikangenin di bulan puasa!

2011-08-08T19:26:00.001+07:00

Makan apa yang paling dikangenin selama bulan puasa? Hasil survey yg dilakukan oleh Lingkar Survey Indonesia menyatakan :

0.33 % = Makan es blewah

0,57 % = Makan kurma

1,25 % = Makan kolak

97,15 % = Makan siang !!!! :D

Nasib jadi bapak

2011-08-08T19:19:00.002+07:00

A family are going shopping a gadget. What Do they choose?

Son, "i-pod!"

Daughter, "i-phone!!"

Mother, "i-pad!!!"

Father, "i-pay...." :'(

Percakapan di sebuah Toko Batik.

2011-08-08T17:28:00.001+07:00

Tamu, "Batik ini bagus, motifnya apa nih Bu?"

Si Ibu dengan logat medok menjawab, "Oh, masih diselidiki Mas, bisa jadi ini motifnya bales dendam atau bisa juga perampokan biasa."

Leonardo Di Caprio

2011-08-04T12:47:00.002+07:00

Ada org Papua mangaku kalo dia Leonardo Dicaprio...(pemain film titanic itu lho...(^_^))

Suatu hari orang Papua itu meninggal.

Tiba di akhirat...

Malaikat bertanya, 'Sapa ngana pe nama?'

Jawab si Papua: 'Leonardo Dicaprio'

Malaikat, 'Masa seh ngana pe nama itu? Tunggu, sy mo batelpon dulu!' *Malaikat langsung ambe HP*

Si Papua bingung malaikat mo batelpon ke sapa.

Malaikat, 'Halooo.? Boleh batanya? Sebenarnya Titanic itu tenggelam atau tabakar ka?? Napa Leonardo so angus bagini?!!"

Vermak Jin!

2011-08-03T19:28:00.001+07:00

Seorang Kyai bertanya kepada Jin, "Hai Jin, siapa manusia yg kamu takuti di dunia ini selain org yg sedang menjalankan Sholat?"

Jin menjawab, "Tukang Jahit, Kyai !!"

Kaget sang kyai, "Loh kok?? Mengapa kamu takut?"

Dengan badan yang mulai gemetar Jin menjawab, "aku takut di vermak kyai...aku baca di depan rumahnya ada tulisan.."VERMAK JIN SEGALA JENIS"

Transaksi "apartemen."

2011-07-29T20:27:00.002+07:00

Seorang pengusaha kaya kencan dengan seorang gadis cantik. Harga telah disepakati untuk melewatkan malam dengan bayaran 10 juta. Setelah pertempuaran usai, Sang pengusaha pergi dan berjanji akan melunasi pembayaran dengan cek sesampainya di kantor dengan kode 'UTK PEMBAYARAN SEWA APARTMENT'.

Ketika akan menulis cek, ia menyesali perbuatannya karena merasa apa yang ia dapat tidak sebanding dan memutuskan untuk membayar 5 juta saja disertai dengan memo:

'Sayangku, terlampir adalah cek sebesar 5 juta. Maaf saya tidak jadi mengirim 10 juta karena sebelumnya saya mengira
1. Ruangannya belum pernah dihuni,
2. Suasananya hangat dan
3. Ukurannya kecil sehingga seperti dirumah sendiri.

Namun yg saya dapati adalah:
1. Ternyata ruangannya sudah pernah dihuni sebelumnya,
2. Tidak ada kehangatan sama sekali, dan
3. Ukurannya sangat 'besar'.

Setelah menerima ceknya si gadis segera mengembalikannya disertai memo:
'Tuan Jimi yth,
1. Rasanya tidak masuk akal kalo apartemen sebagus ini belum ada yang menghuni sebelumnya.

2. Soal kehangatan mungkin tuan yg tidak paham menyalakannya.

3. Mengenai ukuran, memang agak terlalu besar kalo tuan tidak punya cukup mebel untuk mengisinya.

Mohon jangan menyalahkan pengurus apartemen dan mohon bayar sesuai janji atau kami terpaksa menghubungi Nyonya rumah !!!

ANTENA TV

2011-07-27T17:21:00.003+07:00

Engkong majid pingin nonton TV. Diambilnya remote lalu dia idupin tuh TV.

Channel 1 film Pocong, pindahin ke channel 2, film Nyi Blorong, pindahin lagi ke channel 3 eh film Dracula.

Engkong jadi heran kenapa di TV filmnya horor melulu, lalu dia panggil cucunya si Udin.

Engkong, "Din...coba liat antene tipi ngadep mana?"

Udin, "Ngadep kuburan Kong!"

Engkong, "pantesan pilemnye horor semua, coba lu puter antenenya ngadep KODIM, sape tau pilemnya RAMBO!"

Menjelang bulan puasa.

2011-07-26T21:31:00.002+07:00

Karena menjelang bulan ramadhan, dua wanita menyempatkan diri sholat subuh di mesjid. Selesai sholat berjamaah, keduanya mendatangi uztad yang tadi bertindak sebagai imam. Keduanya ingin bertanya sesuatu pada sang ustad.

Wanita 1, "Pak Ustad kami berdua ingin menanyakan sesuatu."

Ustad, "Silakan. Kalian berdua boleh tanya apa saja."

Wanita 1, "Anu Pak Ustad (dengan suara pelan karena menahan malu), kalau saya pegang2 punya suami saya sampai tegang dan ahirnya keluar, apakah saya juga harus mandi Junub?"

Ustaz menjawab dengan suara bijaksana: "Oh tidak perlu!! kamu cukup mencuci tanganmu dengan sabun."

Si wanita 1 tadi tersenyum sementara wanita 2 manggut2 sambil juga tersenyum.

Lalu ustad bertanya pada wanita ke 2, "Dan kamu? Apa yg kamu tanyakan?"

Wanita 2 menjawab, "Saya tidak jadi bertanya, Pak Ustad, karena saya sudah tahu jawabannya."

Ustad, "Maksud kamu?"

Wanita 2, "Berarti saya cukup kumur2 aja kan?"

2011-07-22T11:02:00.003+07:00

Our house was broken into last night by two robbers who locked us in the bathroom, and proceeded to steal all they could carry. My watchdog, "Killer", did not alert me, and for this reason I am giving him away. I no longer want a dog - I´m installing an electric fence and detection devices with alarms. They´re cheaper and more reliable. For those interested in adopting the dog please send an e-mail urgently.

A photo of "Killer" is attached below.

Di Rumah Sakit Jiwa

2011-05-23T14:34:00.002+07:00

SBY melakukan kunjungan dadakan ke sebuah rumah sakit jiwa. (Rasanya kita ga perlu membahas apakah ini kegiatan pencitraan atau bukan ya hehehehe...)

Pihak RSJ tentu saja kalang kabut dan membuat penyambutan sekenanya. Staf RSJ berjajar, juga pasien yg dianggap sudah agak waras.

SBY mendekati salah seorang mantan pasien dan menyalami orang tersebut sambil berkata, "Saya SBY."

Orang tersebut tersenyum bijaksana, "Oh, tidak apa-apa."

"Tidak apa-apa? Maksud bapak bagaimana?" tanya SBY kebingungan.

Orang itu menepuk-nepuk bahu SBY sambil berkata dengan halus, "Saya waktu baru masuk juga ngaku Pak Harto kok, nanti lama-lama sembuh. Yang sabar ya..."

Sincere thought

2011-05-18T17:10:00.001+07:00

Sincere Thought 1

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.

When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?

Sincere Thought 2

The average man's life consists of:

Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,

Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;

and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.

Sincere Thought 3

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced:

'Ladies and gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . . but not the poor groom ! ! !

And now the best one. . . . .
Sincere Thought 4

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: 'Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I'am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the hell were you when I got married?

Asal mula kata FUCK.

2011-05-16T11:40:00.001+07:00

Di zaman baheula di Inggris sono, ga mudah buat sepasang suami isteri kalo mau punya bayi. Kenapa? Karena mereka engga bisa berhubungan badan tanpa memiliki izin tertulis dari raja (kecuali kalau memang dia anggota keluarga kerajaan).

Jadi kalo pengen punya bayi, mereka kudu pergi ke raja untuk meminta izin tertulis. Sang Raja kemudian bakal ngasih semacam kartu pass yang harus digantung di daun pintu kamar tempat mereka berhubungan badan. Kartu ini bertulisan "F.U.C.K" (Fornication Under Consent of the King) demikianlah asal kata FUCK. Tau deh bener apa kagak!

God is my brother in law.

2011-04-26T12:02:00.001+07:00

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'

He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'

He replied, 'No money in the bank.

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'

The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

Orang malaysia makin lama makin pinter!

2011-04-25T12:19:00.002+07:00

A Very Wise View from Datuk Dr Agoes Salim...

The objective of STPM is to pass people?

How do you explain the fact that 87% of the students passed the exams of the Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia (STPM) recently, when during your father's time only 10%would have passed? Are students getting smarter? Or are STPM questions getting easier?

Let me put things in their proper perspective.

During your grandfather's time, they would ask exam questions like:

"In what year did Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka?"

The correct answer was "1402", and they found that only 10% of the students managed to answer the question correctly..
This didn't go down too well with the authorities, because the objective of the exams was to pass people. I mean, what's the point of having exams if people fail?
So later, they found another way to ask the same question:

"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year:

(a) 2001
(b) 2004
(c) 1986
(d) 1975
(e) 1402

Tick the correct answer."

The results were better is that 20% of the students passed. But it was still not good enough, so the authorities tried a different tactic a few years later.

"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. True or false?"

Well, half of the students guessed "True" and the other half guessed "False". Fully 50% passed.

The results were getting pretty acceptable by now but still not good enough. Most other countries would be satisfied with a 50% passing rate, but not us. We are a better country, because we are a boleh country. The authorities then cracked their heads and then came out with this one:

Read the following sentence carefully.

"Parameswara, the cousin of Proton-Iswara, founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. Underline the name of the person who founded Melaka."

60% underlined "Parameswara", 30% underlined "Proton-Iswara" and 10% underlined "1402".

Yeah!!!!....60% managed to pass! So krever! But for some reason, the authorities were still not contented. So last year, they came out with this gem:

"One day in the year 1402, Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka . Then he went home to have dinner. What did he eat?"

13% (smart students) handed in blank answers,
57% wrote "Maggi Me",
10% wrote " Kenlucky ried Chiken" and
20% wrote "Nasi Lemak".

The correct answer was anything concerning "Food" of course!

After the marking was over, it was found that 87% of the students had passed. 87%!!!!!............now that's pretty impressive!

So it's true. So now the authorities are very happy that our education system is getting better and better and that our education ministers have all done excellent jobs to bring about this improvement and the students are indeed getting smarter due to the improvement in social economic situation brought about by UNMO.

Well done Boleh-land!
Perhaps, this is why we have a host of students with an impressive string of 'As' who can hardly construct a decent sentence!
Neow mind, our super-duper gomen can find a job for us one.

Duh……

The Arrogance of Authority

2011-04-15T11:14:00.002+07:00

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs, "Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

a B C D E F G H I J K

2011-04-15T11:00:00.001+07:00

Wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said: "You're A B C D E F G H I J K."

She said: "What does that mean?"

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot..."

She said: "Ooohh ….. that's so lovely, but what about I J K?"

He said: "I'm Just Kidding."

ANGGOTA DPR!

2011-04-12T11:22:00.003+07:00

Sebuah bus berisi anggota DPR yang lagi wisata tergelincir dan masuk jurang!

Tidak lama kemudian Penduduk datang, lalu dengan cekatan menggali lubang & MENGUBUR MASSAL rombongan tersebut.

Setelah peristiwa itu, Polisi datang & bertanya kepada penduduk, "Apakah ga ada satu pun dari mereka yang masih hidup? Kok dikubur semua?"

Satu perwakilan penduduk menjawab "Sebenarnya sih tadi ada beberapa yang ngaku masih hidup pak, tapi tahu sendiri kan, omongan anggota DPR ga bisa dipercaya!"

Koh Acung di Kampung Nudis.

2011-04-08T11:40:00.002+07:00

Koh Acung, suatu kali timbul jiwa petualangannya, penasaran ama kata orang ada Executive Nudis Club, akhirnya dia datangi itu tempat.

Pas masuk tempatnya mewah banget, lengkap! mulai dari SPA, Fitness, Billiard, Disco, Karaoke sampe Cafe ada disana. Dan ternyata bener resepsionisnya aja bugil cing. Disana dia dijelasin kalo disana bebas pake semua fasilitas tapi harus bugil.

Singkat cerita join lah Koh Acung nyoba member 1 bulan dulu. Selesai urusan administrasi, Koh Acung langsung jalan liat fasilitas (bugil so pasti).

Pas lewat kolam renang, dari depan jalan ada cewek semok banget. Ngga sadar Koh Acung 'ereksi' pas papasan ama tu cewek.

Tiba2 tu cewek balik badan tanya, 'Kamu ngajak saya?'.

Koh Acung bingung gelagapan.

Kata tu cewek, 'Kamu pasti orang baru ya, disini peraturannya kalo ereksi artinya 'ngajak'. Digeret lah Koh Acung kepinggir kolam renang dan terjadilah urusan orang dewasa disana (kuda-kudaan).

Selesai urusan, Koh Acung ngaso di sauna sambil senyum2 :D inget kejadian barusan, ngga sadar dia kentut.

Tiba2 nongol cowok badannya gede banget, brewok, tato'an pula, dia tanya, 'Lu ngajak gue?'.

Koh Acung bingung gelagapan.

Kata tu cowo, 'Lu pasti orang baru ya, disini peraturannya kalo kentut artinya ngajak'. Kata Si Cowo sambil menyeret Koh Acung ke pojok sauna, disuruh nungging dan terjadilah (Anjing-anjingan).

Selesai kejadian, Koh Acung turun ke resepsionis komplen, katanya 'Gua keluar! Batal jadi member'.

Kata resepsionis, 'Wah ga sayang Koh? Belon juga sehari... uang member sebulan 8 juta angus lho Koh'.

'Bodo..., gua keluar!!' kata Koh Acung. 'Umur gua udah chitcap (70th) lebih, paling banter gua ereksi seminggu sekali... tapi klo kentut, gw sehari bisa 20 kali... berabe beneuur, bisa amsiiooonggg owe!!

The Patient Grandfather

2011-04-05T12:22:00.001+07:00

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Kevin."

I LOVE U...

2011-03-28T11:22:00.001+07:00

A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife.

And he says, "I love you..."

Wife, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

Husband, "It's me talking to the beer."

Sumbu Dinamit.

2011-03-23T18:26:00.000+07:00

Sepasang suami istri yang baru saja menikah bersiap untuk tidur bersama. Si suami melepaskan kemejanya, menonjolkan bisepnya dan menyombong,

“Sayang, tiap lengan ini menyimpan kekuatan setara dengan dua ratus kilogram dinamit.”

Si istri sangat terkesan melihatnya. Suaminya lalu melepaskan celananya, mempertontonkan kakinya yang berotot dan berkata, “Kedua kaki menyimpan kekuatan setara dengan lima ratus kilo dinamit.”

Ketika si suami melepaskan celana dalamnya, si istri memandangnya dengan wajah ngeri.

“Ada apa?” tanya si suami.

“Saya harus keluar ruangan,” kata si istri. “Dinamit sebanyak itu dengan ‘sumbu’ yang pendek begitu, ruangan ini pasti akan segera meledak!”

BURUNG BEO

2011-03-23T18:15:00.003+07:00

Rani datang ke seorang pendeta dan berkata, “Pastor, saya punya dua ekor beo betina yang pinter bicara, namun sayangnya, yang mereka omongkan cuma.. ‘hai, kami cewe gatel, mau ngewe engga..?’ gitu pastor..”

“Ya ampun!Kalau begitu kirim saja kedua beo Anda itu ke rumah saya. Di rumah, saya juga punya dua beo jantan, namun jangan khawatir, mereka selalu saya latih berdoa, puja dan puji tuhan dan itulah yang selalu mereka ucapkan. Pasti kedua beo betinamu akan terpengaruh dan berubah bunyinya.” kata Si Pastor.

Begitulah, Rani mengantar kedua beonya untuk ditempatkan dalam kandang yang sama dengan kedua beo milik si pastor. Ketika Rani melirik ke arah kandang, kedua beo pastur itu sedang melantunkan puja puji. Sementara salah satu kakinya masing2 menggenggam rosario. Dengan khusuk mereka terus berdoa.

Melihat kelakuan kedua beo jantan itu hati Rani pun jadi tenang. Dia pun pamit pada Si Pastur dengan hati lega.

Saat kedua beo milik wanita itu dimasukkan, keduanya langsung berkata, "Hai, kami cewe gatel, mau ngewe engga?”

Salah satu beo milik pastor langsung melirik satunya dan berkata, ”Buang rosariomu!Doa kita sudah terjawab...”

BHineka Tunggal Ika

2011-03-23T18:10:00.002+07:00

Seorang anak berusia 5 tahun sedang belajar sama guru privatnya. Si guru sedang mengajarkan anak itu tulis menulis.

Guru : “Dek, coba tulis Bhineka Tunggal Ika”

Dan anak itu cuman tulis ineka tunggal ika. Lalu gurunya menanyakan

Guru : “BHnya mana dek?”

Anak : “BHnya lagi di pake emak, pak!”

Guru : “Hahaha..!@#$@!?”

2 TOUGH QUESTIONS!

2011-03-23T16:09:00.002+07:00

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A:
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 Martinis a day.

Candidate B:
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C:
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never committed adultery.

Which of these candidates would be our choice?

Decide first... No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.

Here are the answers.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Remember: Amateurs ... Built the ark. Professionals ... Built the Titanic

Badu and Teacher

2011-03-22T16:23:00.000+07:00

TEACHER: BADU, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor ??
BADU: You told me to do it without using tables.
___________________________________

TEACHER: BADU, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
BADU: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
BADU: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

___________________________________

TEACHER: BADU, what is the chemical formula for water ??
BADU: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about ??
BADU: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: BADU, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
BADU: Me . . . !!!
____________________________________

TEACHER: BADU, why do you always get so dirty . . . ??
BADU: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
___________________________________

TEACHER: BADU, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
BADU: I is . . .
TEACHER: No, Millie . . . Always say, 'I am.'
BADU: All right . . . 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, BADU, do you know why his father didn't punish him ??
BADU: Because George still had the axe in his hand . . .
___________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Badu , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
BADU: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: BADU , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's . . . Did you copy his . . . ??
BADU: No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: BADU, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested . . . ??
BADU: A teacher . . .

Tokoh Ibu lebih penting dari apapun!

2011-03-22T16:22:00.000+07:00

Di suatu bandara, ada seorang pria yg kehilangan istrinya. Dia bertemu dengan seorang anak kecil yang sedang menangis karena terpisah dari ibunya.

Pria itu bertanya, "Ibumu ciri-cirinya seperti apa?"

Jawab si anak, "Ibu saya tingginya 172cm, wajah dan dadanya sexy seperti Angelina Jolie, badannya langsing seperti gitar Spanyol, kulitnya putih, pakai rok mini dan sepatu hak tinggi seperti Jennifer Lopez."

Si anak balik bertanya, "Kalau istri om ciri-cirinya seperti apa?"

"Sudahlah, lupakan istriku, kita cari ibumu dulu saja."

Wafatnya Haji Sobri

2011-02-18T20:58:00.003+07:00

Mamat anak juragan tanah, pewaris tunggal kekayaan Haji Sobri, yang saat ini sedang dirawat di RS dan dalam keadaan koma....

Khawatir bokapnya kagak ada umur, Mamat ingin Ustad Bokir membimbing talkin agar bokapnya mati dalam khusnul khotimah.

Ketika Ustad Bokir mendekat tiba2 napasnye H. Sobri langsung ngap2an terus tangannya gerak2 kayak orang pengen nulis sesuatu.

Ustad Bokir, "Mat, tolong lu ambilin pulpen ame kertas. Kayaknya Babe lu pengen nulis sesuatu".

Abis nulis sesuatu, Haji Sobri meninggal, dan buru2 kertas itu dimasukin Ustad Bokir dalam kantong bajunye.

Setelah pemakaman dan tahlilan smpe 7 hari 7 malem...

Di hari ketujuh tahlilan, tiba2 Ustad Bokir inget surat wasiat dari almarhum.

Abis tahlil Ustad Bokir berkata, "Hadirin sekalian, Almarhum ini orang baik. Banyak kelakuannye yang patut kite tiru. Oh iya Ane baru inget, ada surat wasiat dari Almarhum."

Begitu dibuka tuh surat Ustad Bokir langsung pingsan.

Kontan aje Mamat dan hadirin langsung panik. Mamat langsung ambil tuh surat dan langsung baca.

Isi suratnye, "Kir, Lu bediri sonoan dikit, selang oksigen gue lu injek....".

Cerita horor!

2011-02-18T17:20:00.005+07:00

Adi sedang dalam perjalanan ke Jakarta dengan bis malam.

Seorang kakek tua naik & menawarkan buku2 pada penumpang.

“Bukunya nak? Ada macam2 nih. Buku silat, cinta2an, agama, dll”, ujar si kakek.

Adi yang sedang tidak bisa tidur pun tertarik. “Ada buku horor ga kek?”

“Oh suka cerita horor ya? Kebetulan sisa satu, Pas lagi ceritanya. Tentang bis yang ditinggali banyak arwah penasaran. Judulnya ‘PENUNGGU BIS BERDARAH". Serem banget pokoknya.”

“Boleh juga tuh berapa harganya?”

“Rp 95.000, nak”

“Wow, mahal banget, kek”.

“Ya namanya juga buku Bestseller. Semua yang baca buku ini kabarnya shock loh waktu baca endingnya”, si kakek promosi ala salesman.

Adi pun mengalah. Entah kenapa, pada saat ia serahkan uang tersebut ke kakek, tiba2 petir menggelegar. Angin mulai bertiup kencang.

Si kakek turun dari bis, namun tiba2 berhenti & menolehkan wajahnya pelan2 ke Adi.

“Nak”, ujarnya lirih, “apa pun yg terjadi, harap jangan buka halaman terakhir."

"Emang kenapa Kek?" tanya Adi keheranan.

"Pokoknya ingat kata saya! Apapun yg terjadi jangan sekali2 kamu buka halaman terakhir. Kalau tidak kamu akan menyesal & saya tidak mau bertanggung jawab.”

Jantung Adi berdegup kencang. Saking takutnya, ia sampai tidak mampu menganggukkan kepala hingga si kakek turun dari bis & menghilang ditelan kegelapan.

Pada saat tengah malam, Adi selesai membaca seluruh buku tersebut. Kecuali halaman terakhir.

Dan memang benar seperti yang dikatakan si kakek, buku itu benar2 menegangkan & menyeramkan.

Bis melaju kencang, hujan turun deras. Kilat menyambar bergantian, terdengar suara guruh menggelegar.

Adi melihat sekeliling & ternyata semua penumpang sudah terlelap. Bulu kuduknya merinding.

“Baca halaman terakhirnya ga ya?”, pikir Adi bimbang. Antara penasaran & rasa takut berbaur jadi satu. Di luar malam tampak makin gelap. “Ah sudahlah, sekalian aja. Nanggung!”

Dengan tangan gemetar ia pun membuka halaman terakhir buku tersebut secara perlahan. Dan akhirnya tampak lembaran kosong dengan sepotong tulisan di bagian pojok kanan atas.

Sambil menelan ludah, Adi membaca huruf demi huruf yg tercantum:

PENUNGGU BIS BERDARAH
Terbitan CV. Pustaka Buku
Harga Pas: Rp 12.500.

Neraka Indonesia

2011-02-17T12:54:00.002+07:00

Salah satu warga Indonesia meninggal dan karena amal perbuatannya kurang baik selama hidupnya sehingga ia dikirim menuju ke neraka. Di sana ia mendapatkan bahwa ternyata neraka itu berbeda-beda bagi tiap negara asal.

Pertama ia ke neraka orang-orang Australia dan bertanya kpd orang-orang Australia di situ, "Kalian diapain di sini?"

Orang Australia menjawab: "Pertama-tama, kita didudukan di atas kursi listrik selama satu jam. Lalu didudukan di atas kursi paku selama satu jam lagi. Lalu disiram dengan bensin dan disulut api. Lalu, setan Inggris muncul dan memecut kita sepanjang sisa hari."

Karena kedengarannya tidak menyenangkan, si orang Indonesia menuju keneraka lain. Ia coba melihat-lihat bagaimana keadaan di neraka AS, neraka Jepang, neraka Rusia dan banyak lagi. Ia mendapatkan bahwa kesemua neraka-neraka itu kurang lebih mirip dengan neraka orang Inggris.

Akhirnya ia tiba di neraka orang Indonesia sendiri, dan melihat antrian sangat panjang yang terdiri atas orang berbagai-bagai negara (tidak cuma orang Indonesia saja) yang menunggu giliran untuk masuk neraka Indonesia.

Dengan tercengang ia bertanya kepada yang ngantri: "Apa yang akan dilakukan di sini?"

Ia memperoleh jawaban, "Pertama-tama, kita didudukan diatas kursi listrik selama satu jam. Lalu didudukan di atas kursi paku selama satu jamlagi. Lalu disiram dengan bensin dan disulut api. Lalu setan Indonesia muncul dan memecut kita sepanjang hari."

"Tapi itu kan sama persis dengan neraka-neraka yang lain toh. Lalu kenapa dong begitu banyak orang ngantri untuk masuk ke sini?"

"Di sini service-nya sangat-sangat buruk, kursi listriknya nggak nyala, karena listrik sering mati...kursi pakunya nggak ada, tinggal pakunya aja karena kursinya sering diperebutkan. ..bensinnya juga nggak ada tuh, karena harganya melambung tinggi, malah di tahun 2011 katanya mau naik lagi dan setannya adalah mantan anggota DPR, jadi ia cuma datang, tanda tangan absensi, lalu pulang"

You hate yor job? Read it carefully!

2011-02-14T17:05:00.001+07:00

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart, maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!

Pemabuk dan Pendeta

2011-02-11T11:32:00.000+07:00

Ada seorang pemabuk berat, Hendrik namanya.

Pada suatu pagi, dalam perjalanan pulang dan masih dalam keadaan mabuk dia melihat orang yang sedang mengantri ditepi sungai untuk upacara Pembaptisan. Tanpa disadarinya Hendrik pun ikut dalam antrian.

Tiba gilirannya, Pendeta pun menekan kepala Hendrik kedalam sungai selama 10 detik, mengangkatnya dan bertanya.

Pendeta, "Apakah engkau sudah menemukan Jesus, anakku?"

Hendrik, "Belum"

Pendetapun kembali menekan kepala Hendrik selama 20 detik

Pendeta, "Apakah engkau sudah menemukan Jesus, anakku?"

Hendrik, "Belum"

Dengan kesal Pendeta pun kembali menekan kepala Hendrik, kali ini lebih lama lagi, 30detik. Pendeta, "Apakah engkau sudah menemukan Jesus, anakku?"

Dengan gelagapan karena hampir kehabisan napas Hendrik membentak, "Elo yakin dia tenggelam disini?!"

Globalisasi

2011-02-07T12:29:00.000+07:00

What is the true definition of globalization ?. Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This story received from an Indian, and forwarded to you by an Indonesian, using Sweden's technology, and you're reading this on your , that use Koreans chips, and a Taiwanese LCDs, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Hungary factory, transported by Pakistan lorry-drivers, hijacked by Nigerians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and repacked by Mexican illegals! Shipped to Hongkong and Singapore before finally arrives in your hand. Finally, this overall story will be claimed by Malaysian...

Salesman Buku

2010-12-20T00:53:00.001+07:00

Suatu hari ada orang gagap dateng melamar jadi salesman buku…

“P…Ppper..misi…..,” salam si gagap.

“Ada perlu apa nih pak?”

“S..ss..saya….mmm..mmmau mme…lammmarrrr jj..jjadi sales pak,”

“Yang normal, cakep dan cantik aja nggak gablek ngejualnya! apa kamu yakin bisa jadi salesman??”

“Bbb..bb.bisa pak,” jawabnya mantap.

Esok harinya, ternyata nggak sampe setengah hari, terjual 10 buku. Dikasih 20 buku, terjual semuanya. Begitu seterusnya sampe buku tersebut menjadi best seller.

Pada saat malam resepsi penghormatan, sampailah waktu si gagap memberikan rahasia menjual buku.

“Ss…ssederha..ha…na kok, ss…saya cc..ccum…cuman…Ss..sa..saya.. cc..cuman..tt..ta.. tanyas saja ke cc..ccal… cal…calon pembelinya, An…anda mmau bb…bbbeli..bbu..bu..ku ini atau… mma..mmau..ss..sa..saaa ya ya …BA… BACA… IIIN….. ??”

Pemabuk cerdas!

2010-12-06T12:46:00.000+07:00

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink.

He tried it and said "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."

"That's correct", said the boss.Another glass "It's red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."

"Correct."The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don't give me the job, I'll tell who's the father!!"

Story of appreciation

2010-12-02T13:17:00.000+07:00

One young academically excellent person went to apply for a managerial position in a big company.

He passed the first interview, the director did the last interview, made the last decision.

The director discovered from the CV that the youth's academic achievements were excellent all the way,

from the secondary school until the postgraduate research, never had a year when he did not score.

The director asked, "Did you obtain any scholarships in school?" the youth answered "none".

The director asked, " Was it your father who paid for your school fees?" The youth answered,

"My father passed away when I was one year old, it was my mother who paid for my school fees.

The director asked, " Where did your mother work?" The youth answered, "My mother worked

as clothes cleaner. The director requested the youth to show his hands. The youth showed a

pair of hands that were smooth and perfect.

The director asked, " Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before?"

The youth answered, "Never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books.

Furthermore, my mother can wash clothes faster than me.

The director said, "I have a request. When you go back today, go and clean your mother's hands, and then see me tomorrow morning."

The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high. When he went back, he happily requested his mother to let him clean her hands. His mother felt strange, happy but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to the kid.

The youth cleaned his mother's hands slowly. His tear fell as he did that. It was the first time he noticed that his mother's hands were so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful that his mother shivered when they were cleaned with water.

This was the first time the youth realized that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes everyday to enable him to pay the school fee. The bruises in the mother's hands were the price that the mother had to pay for his graduation, academic excellence and his future.

After finishing the cleaning of his mother hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother.That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.

Next morning, the youth went to the director's office.

The Director noticed the tears in the youth's eyes, asked: " Can you tell me what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?"

The youth answered, " I cleaned my mother's hand, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes' The Director asked, " please tell me your feelings."

The youth said, Number 1, I know now what is appreciation. Without my mother, there would not the successful me today. Number 2, by working together and helping my mother, only I now realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done. Number 3, I have come to appreciate the importance and value of family relationship.

The director said, " This is what I am looking for to be my manager. I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life. You are hired.”

Later on, this young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates. Every employee worked diligently and as a team. The company's performance improved tremendously.

A child, who has been protected and habitually given whatever he wanted, would develop "entitlement mentality" and would always put himself first. He would be ignorant of his parent's efforts. When he starts work, he assumes that every person must listen to him, and when he becomes a manager, he would never know the sufferings of his employees and would always blame others. For this kind of people, who may be good academically, may be successful for a while, but eventually would not feel sense of achievement. He will grumble and be full of hatred and fight for more. If we are this kind of protective parents, are we really showing love or are we destroying the kid instead?"

You can let your kid live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn piano, watch a big screen TV. But when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plates and bowls together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love them in a right way. You want them to understand, no matter how rich their parents are, one day their hair will grow gray, same as the mother of that young person. The most important thing is your kid learns how to appreciate the effort and experience the difficulty and learns the ability to work with others to get things done.

Auhor: No name. (Dapet dari email berantai)

Percakapan di sebuah Sauna

2010-11-22T12:01:00.002+07:00

Di sebuah ruang sauna yg hening, ada seorang Amerika, Jepang dan Indonesia...

Keheningan di dalam ruangan sauna dipecahkan oleh bunyi, "bip,...bip,....bip...."

Orang Amerika membuka telapak tangan kirinya, dan membaca tulisan yang tertulis ditelapak tangannya itu.

Dua rekan se"sauna"nya dengan kagum melihat tulisan yang muncul ditelapak tangan orang Amerika tersebut.

"Oh, telapak tangan saya telah ditanamkan chips, saya dapat langsung menerima pesan SMS tanpa alat, tertulis ditelapak tangan saya", ujar si Amerika.

Sesaat kemudian terdengar dering telepon, orang Jepang mengangkat tangan kanannya, jempol didekatkan ke telinga sedangkan jari kelingking kebibirnya.

"Oh maaf, saya terima telepon dulu, tangan saya sudah berisi chips, saya dapat menerima dan berbicara melalui 2 jari saya tanpa menggunakan HP", kata si Jepang.

Melihat semua itu, orang Indonesia mulai gugup. 'Apa yang bisa saya tunjukkan untuk mengalahkan orang orang ini?' pikirnya.

Karena stress, keinginannya untuk buang air besar tidak tertahankan lagi. Usai buang air, dia kembali lagi ke ruang sauna, tetapi karena tidak biasa membasuh pantatnya dengan kertas toilet, seuntai kertas toilet masih berjuntai di belahan pantatnya.

Dengan keheranan orang Jepang dan orang Amerika menunjuk ke untaian kertas sisa BAB tersebut dan berkata, "Kertas apa itu yang tergantung di pantat Anda?"

"Oh maaf..., saya baru terima fax." jawab orang Indonesia

OBAMA dan Ani Budoyono

2010-11-11T13:04:00.002+07:00

Waktu jamuan makan di istana, ibu Ani Yudhoyono duduk di sebelah Obama.
Beberapa kali Obama ngajak ngomong tapi si ibu cuma senyum-senyum aja. Sebenernya Ibu Ani bukannya ga bisa berbahasa inggris tapi dia memang ga tau mau balas ngomong apa.

Sebagai Ibu Negara tentu Ibu Ani ga enak kalo main diem-dieman sama Obama. Dia terus berpikir mencari topik yang sekiranya menarik buat Presiden Ameika itu.

TING! Nah dapet ide! Ibu Ani ngelihat mie bakso yg masih ngepul di meja makan. Wah cocok nih! Bakso kan salah satu makanan favorit Obama waktu kecil, pikirnya.

Tanpa ragu-ragu dia langsung dia ngomong, "Your excellency, do you really like mie?"

Obama kaget sekaget-kagetnya mendengar pertanyaan itu. Tapi sebagai politisi senior dia hanya butuh 3 detik untuk menjawab pertanyaan si ibu, "Oooo I do. I do your highness!"

Bangga bisa memulai topik pembicaraan, ibu memandang Obama sambil senyum dan menambahkan, "Still hot you know....".

Malaysia ngancem mercusuar

2010-11-10T18:45:00.000+07:00

Cuplikan percakapan radio antara kapal perang Kerajaan Malaysia dan otoritas Indonesia di perairan Ambalat pada suatu malam di bulan Mei 2009 dalam situasi cuaca yang sangat buruk dan berkabut.

INDONESIA : “Harap belokkan kapal Anda 15 derajat ke utara untuk menghindari benturan !”

MALAYSIA : “Lebih baik Anda yang membelok karna kami berada di wilayah perairan kami..”

INDONESIA : “Kami juga berada di wilayah kedaulatan kami, Anda yang harus membelok untuk menghindari tabrakan fatal !!”

MALAYSIA : “Saya Laksamana Muda Tengku Datuk Mahmod sofyan Komandan Gugus Timur Tentara Laut Diraja Malaysia .. Saya bilang belokkan kapal Anda!!!!sekarang! !!”

INDONESIA : “Negative!!! . Saya katakan sekali lagi, belokkan kapal Anda!!! untuk menghindari tabrakan yang konyol !!!”

MALAYSIA : “Ini adalah Kapal Destroyer Tentara Laut Diraja Malaysia , kapal kedua terbesar dari armada utama kami. Dilengkapi tiga destroyer missil, tiga rudal berhulu ledak nuklir,1 lusin canon dan 2 unit hellicopter tempur. Saya MINTA Anda belok 15 derajat ke selatan. Sekali lagi saya ulangi 15 derajat ke selatan, SEKARANG atau sebuah tindakan akan kami lakukan untuk mengamankan kapal !!!”

INDONESIA : “Dasar Malaysia Edaan, ini mercusuar goblook!!!”

Politik. Apakah itu?

2010-11-08T18:18:00.002+07:00

Seorang anak kecil bertanya pada ayahnya,"Ayah, dapatkah kau jelaskan apakah politik itu?"

Ayah berkata,"Nak, Ayah akan kasih dalam bentuk analogi ya.."

Anak, "Silakan Pak."

Ayah, "Ayah adalah pencari nafkah bagi keluarga, jadi sebutlah Ayah ini KAPITALISME. Ibumu, dia adalah pengatur keuangan, sehingga kita sebut dia PEMERINTAH. Kami disini untuk memenuhi kebutuhanmu sehingga kau kita sebut RAKYAT. Bibi pembantu kita anggap sebagai BURUH. Adikmu yang masih bayi, kita sebut dia MASA DEPAN. Sekarang pikirkanlah hal ini dan pertimbangkanlah apakah ini masuk akal bagimu.

Anak tersebut masuk ke kamarnya dan memikirkan apa yang baru saja dikatakan ayahnya.

Tengah malam, dia mendengar adiknya menangis, lalu dia bangun dan, memeriksanya, dan dia menemukan adiknya basah kuyup dan kotor karena adiknya, pipis dan buang air besar.

Anak itu lantas pergi ke kamar orang tuanya dan, melihat ibunya sedang tidur nyenyak dan mendengkur. Dia tak ingin membangunkan, ibunya, karenanya, ia pergi ke kamar pembantu. Pintunya terkunci, dan dia, mengintip dari lubang kunci dan melihat ayahnya sedang bercinta dengan si pembantu.

Dia menyerah dan kembali ke kamarnya. Pagi berikutnya, anak kecil itu berkata pada ayahnya, "Kurasa sekarang aku, mengerti apa itu politik."

Ayah menjawab, "Bagus, Nak, ceritakan padaku pendapatmu tentang politik."

Si anak segera menjawab, "Ketika pemerintah tertidur, Kapitalisme segera memanfaatkan Buruh sepuas2nya, shg Rakyat terabaikan dan Masa depan berada dalam kesulitan besar..."

Ayah, "(*&^^$#@!$%^^&&^^*!!!!

Pembantu goblok apa pinter?

2010-11-02T13:06:00.002+07:00

Rita menelepon suaminya di kantor sambil menangis sesenggukan. John, sang suami, heran dan mencoba menenangkan istrinya...

John : Honey, kamu kenapa? kok menangis?

Rita : Hik... hik... aku habis diperkosa...

John : diperkosa? sama siapa? kapan?

Rita : tadi, pas waktu lagi hujan deras... aku diperkosa ama Dodo, itu pembatu kita yang baru... katanya Dodo, dia disuruh sama kamu, Honey... kamu kok tega sih sama aku?

John : APA!!!!! DODO!?!?!? beraninya dia!!! pakai acara memfitnah aku, lagi!!! tadi dia bilang apa ke kamu?

Rita : Dodo bilang, dia terima SMS dari kamu... emang kamu SMS dia suruh apa?

John : UFF!!! aku tadi SMS dia, bilang gini: "Dodo, kayaknya mendungnya gelap banget nih... nanti kalau hujan, tolong baju ama Roknya nyonya diangkatin, terus jangan lupa burungnya dimasukin..."

Ulang tahun perkawinan

2010-10-22T11:35:00.003+07:00

Istri: "Papi, tiga belas tahun kita tidak ke diskotek, sudah lama juga ya..Mari kita ke sana lagi?"

Suami: "Ke diskotek? yg benar saja.. kita kan sudah tua mami."

Istri: "Justru itu! Hari ini kan hari ultah perkawinan, jadi kita rayakan di sana," teriak sang istri gak mau kalah.

Akhirnya sang suami mengalah dan mereka pun pergi ke diskotek yang paling terkenal di kota itu.

Penjaga menyambut Agung dengan hormat, "Selamat malam, pak Agung. Dua tiket seeperti biasanya?"

Sang istri memandang suaminya dengan heran.

Setelah duduk, pelayan langsung menghampiri meja mereka, "Selamat mlm, pak Agung... Hidangannya sama seperti biasanya?"

Sang istri menggertakkan gigi...

Setelah itu pas tengah malam munculah pembawa acara:" Saudara2...selamat dtg. Acara akan dimulai dengan tari bugil. Siapa malam ini yg mau ikut buka celana???"

"Agung! agung!! Agung!!!!" teriak hadirin.

"Brengsek kamu! Sialan kamu!" jerit sang istri sambil menghujani suaminya dengan pukulan!!

Dengan rasa malu, diajak pulanglah sang istri dan langsung naik taxi yang kebetulan sedang ngetem di depan diskotek.

"Jangan harap kau bisa keluyuran ke sana lagi!" teriak sang istri sambil meneruskan pukulannya.

Tiba2 pengemudi taxi menoleh sambil tersenyum. "Ke mana Pak? Apa langsung ke hotel seperti biasa pak?"

Bab buk bak buk bak buk...

Usman Chaniago

2010-10-11T12:58:00.000+07:00

Usman Chaniago, supir camat di Payakumbuh, minta berhenti karena ingin merantau ke Jakarta untuk mengadu nasib.

Mula-mula dia bekerja sebagai tukang kantau di Tanah Abang, setelah dapat mengumpulkan sedikit modal dimulai pula menggelar dagangannya di pinggir jalan di Tanah Abang.

Nasib rupanya memihak kepadanya, beberapa tahun kemudian dia berhasil memiliki kios kain di dalam pasar. Dia pun berkeluarga dan memiliki 2 anak. Bahkan tahun ini dia membangun rumah di Depok, di lingkungan perumahan dosen UI.

Karena tetangganya semua akademisi, macam-macam gelarnya, ada Prof., ada Phd. dll. Usman merasa malu kalau papan namanya tidak tercantum gelar seperti tetangganya.

Dibuatlah papan naman dari perak, dipesan dari Koto Gadang, dengan nama DR.Usman Chaniago MSc.

Ketika ayahnya datang berkunjung, sambil bangga dia bertanya di mana anaknya kuliah, sebab setahu dia, Usman hanya berdagang.

Dengan malu-malu Usman menerangkan gelarnya di papan nama, "Nama itu artinyo 'Disiko Rumahnyo Usman Chaniago Mantan Supir Camat'."

bussiness Lessons

2010-10-11T12:25:00.002+07:00

LESSON:1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for amoment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch..'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say..

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of asudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy..'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Percakapan telepon pemesanan Pizza tahun 2040

2010-08-25T13:15:00.002+07:00

Operator [O]: Terima kasih anda telah menghubungi Pizza Hot, Ada yg bisa saya bantu?

Konsumen [K]: Saya mau pesan pizza.

O: Boleh minta nomor KTP anda?

K: 6102049998-45- 54610.

O: Ok pak Bejo, dr database kami anda tinggal di Jl. Hangtuah 16, tlp rumah anda 036177726378, kantor 036165872673 Hp 08128784022

K: Apa saya bisa memesan Seafood Pizza?

O: Itu bukan ide yg bagus pak.

K: Kenapa?

O: Dari medical record Bapak, Bapak memiliki tekanan darah tinggi dan kolestrol yang berlebihan.

K: Jadi kamu merekomendasikan apa?

O: Mungkin Bapak bisa memesan Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza.

K: Dari mana kamu tahu kalo saya bakal suka?

O: Hmmm minggu lalu bapak baru pinjam buku dgn judul "Popular Hokkien Dishes" di Perpustakaan Nasional.

K: Ok terserah, sekalian saya pesan paket keluarga, berapa semuanya?

O: Tapi paket keluarga kami tidak cukup untuk anak anda yang 7 orang pak, total keseluruhan Rp. 190.000.

K: Bisa saya bayar dengan Kartu Kredit?

O: Bapak harus membayar cash, kartu kredit bapak telah over limit, & anda punya utang di bank sebesar Rp 5.350.000 sejak bulan Agustus lalu, itu belum termasuk denda tunggakan kontrak rumah & kendaraan.

K: Ooh ya sudah, nanti saya ke ATM aja untuk menarik duit sebelum orangmu datang.

O: Mungkin ga bisa juga pak, record anda menunjukkan bahwa batas anda menarik uang di ATM habis.

K: Busyet..... udahlah anterin aja pizzanya kesini, saya akan bayar cash disini, berapa lama Pizza diantar?

O: Sekitar 45 menit pak, tapi kall bapak tdk bisa nunggu, bapak bisa mngambilnya sendiri dengan motor bebek bapak yang sudah butut.

K: APAAA...?

O: Menurut catatan kami, anda memiliki motor bebek thn.2000 dg nopol B 3344 CD betul kan?

K: Sialan, kurang ajarr! Kagak sopan banget seh buka2 record gue, belom pernah ngerasain ditonjok ya!

O: Hati2 dengan ucapan bapak, apa bapak ingat 15 Mei 2010 anda pernah di penjara 3 bulan karena mengucapkan kata kotor pada polisi?

K: (Diam, pusing 700 keliling)
O: Ada yg lain pak?

K: BATALIIIIIN,...!!!

Ujang mau netek!

2010-08-25T12:09:00.001+07:00

Ujang naik busway dan duduk di sebelah ibu muda yang cakep dan sexy. Kebetulan si hot mama baru mulai hendak menyusui bayinya. Tapi ketika si ibu mengeluarkan payudaranya untuk disedot si bayi, bayi itu menolaknya.

"Ayo sayang diminum, entar mama kasih sama Om yang di sebelah loh"

Sepuluh menit kemudian masih saja si hot mama membujuk bayinya minum, "Ayo dong sayang diminum, nanti mama kasih sama Om yang disebelah loh..."

Akhirnya si Ujang bicara dgn suara bergetar, "Dengar Mbak, tolong mbak cepat mengambil keputusan. Saya mestinya sudah turun di 4 halte sebelumnya."

Budeg alias tuli!

2010-08-20T11:26:00.001+07:00

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational speaking tone to see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response..

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for
dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN!"

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

2010-08-16T16:30:00.002+07:00

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history..'

Ducks in Heaven

2010-08-16T14:10:00.002+07:00

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says,'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks,

But One day St.Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck.'

Girls Night Out ..(Pikun)

2010-08-16T14:06:00.001+07:00

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there were drop-dead handsome.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

2010-08-16T13:55:00.000+07:00

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand, 'stammers the MP'. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...

Today you voted.'

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

2010-08-16T13:50:00.002+07:00

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda...

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had PONG! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

I want to live like a TV.

2010-08-16T13:41:00.002+07:00

One day a teacher of a primary school asked her students to write a essay about what they would like God to do for them.

Later in the evening while checking those essays at home, she came across one that made her very emotional.

Her husband, who just walked in saw her crying, enquired: “What happened?”

Handing over a sheet of paper, she answered, “Read this. It's an essay by one of my students”

The essay:

“I just want to live like a TV”

Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a television. I want to take its place. Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place and have my family around ME.

To be taken seriously when I talk . . . I want to be the centre of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions.

I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives even when it is not working. Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired. And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me . . .

And . . . I want my brothers to fight to be with me . . . I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me.

And last but not least make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them. Lord I don't ask you for much . . . I just want to live like every TV.”

Having finished reading the essay, the husband gravely remarked: “My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!”

Tears rolling down her cheek, she looked up at him and calmly said: “That essay is written by our son!!!"

Gaji buat pengangguran

2010-08-16T13:31:00.003+07:00

Dengan bantuan pemerintah Jepang, akhirya pemerintah Indonesia berhasil membuat rancangan baru untuk para pengangguran. Rencana pemerintah per Agustus Tahun 2012 akan memberi gaji pengangguran di Indonesia sesuai lulusan sekolah yaitu:

SD= 1.250.000,-
SMP= 2.750.000,-
SMU= 3.000.000,-
S1= 4.250.000,-

Gaji buta tersebut akan diberikan dlm bentuk "YEN"...

Dengan ketentuan sbb:

YEN ono dhuwit te
YEN Presiden'e mbah'mu
YEN Wakil'e pakdhe'mu
YEN ing tawang ono lintang
YEN betah ora ngguyu...

4 Prisoners

2010-03-01T11:24:00.002+07:00

4 men in a prison cell. They are a rapist, a murderer, a psycho and gay.

Rapist says, "If there was a cat here, i'd fuck it till it die!"

The murderer, "Once you're done with it, i'd torture it to death!"

The psycho, "Oh yeah and once it's dead, i'd fuck it until it lives again!!!"

The gay in the corner very softly says, "Meoooww...!!!"

Robot anti bohong.

2010-02-22T11:42:00.002+07:00

Seorang profesor penemu ulung berhasil menciptakan robot yg bisa mendeteksi kebohongan. Si robot akan langsung menampar bila mendengar orang berbohong.

Sang profesor menunggu anaknya yg selalu pulang terlambat dari sekolah. Ketika anaknya sampai dirumah, sang profesor bertanya,“Kamu dari mana? Kok pulangnya telat?”

”Ada pelajaran tambahan yah..” jawab sang anak.

PLAK!!!Tiba-tiba Sang robot menampar si anak.

“Nak, ini adalah robot terbaru ayah, dia akan menampar siapapun yang berbohong..! Sekarang katakan dengan jujur, kenapa pulangnya telat??!”

“Maaf ayah.. aku habis menonton film di rumah teman…"

“Film apa?”

“Film Kartun yah”

PLAK!! Si anak ditampar lagi oleh robot.

“Ayo katakan dengan jujur film apa??” desak sang Profesor.

“Maaf Ayah… saya menonton film porno”

Mendengar itu marahlah si profesor. “Kamu itu yach, mau Jadi apa kamu nanti besar?. Perbuatan yang sungguh memalukan! Ayah waktu seumuran kamu gak pernah nonton film porno seperti kamu!!“

PLAK!! Profesor ditampar sang robot….

Suasana hening untuk beberapa saat…Istri profesor datang dan langsung berkata.

“Makanya pa, buah gak akan jatuh jauh dari pohonnya. Bagaimanapun juga dia kan anak kandung papa sendiri, jadi….”

PLAK!! Sang robot menampar istri profesor…

Gus Dur lagi.

2010-01-15T16:56:00.002+07:00

Konon, guyonan mantan Presiden Abdurrahman Wahid selalu ditunggu-tunggu oleh banyak kalangan, termasuk presiden dari berbagai negara. Pernah suatu ketika, Gus Dur membuat tertawa Raja Saudi yang dikenal sangat serius dan hampir tidak pernah tertawa.

Oleh Kiai Mustofa Bisri (Gus Mus), momentum tersebut dinilai sangat bersejarah bagi rakyat Negeri Kaya Minyak.

"Kenapa?" tanya Gus Dur.

"Sebab sampeyan sudah membuat Raja ketawa sampai giginya kelihatan. Baru kali ini rakyat Saudi melihat gigi rajanya," jelas Gus Mus, yang disambut gelak tawa Gus Dur.

Melekatnya predikat humoris pada Presiden RI yang keempat itu pun sempat membuat Presiden Kuba Fidel Alejandro Castro Ruz penasaran.

Suatu ketika, keduanya berkesempatan bertemu. Seperti yang diceritakan oleh mantan Kepala Protokol Istana Presiden Wahyu Muryadi pada tayangan televisi, Fidel Castro bertanya kepada Gus Dur mengenai joke teranyarnya.

Dijawablah oleh Gus Dur, "Di Indonesia itu terkenal dengan fenomena 'gila',".

Fidel Castro pun menyimak pernyataan mengagetkan tersebut.

"Presiden pertama dikenal dengan gila wanita. Presiden kedua dikenal dengan gila harta. Lalu, presiden ketiga dikenal gila teknologi," tutur Gus Dur yang kemudian terdiam sejenak.

Fidel Castro pun semakin serius mendengarkan lanjutan cerita.

"Kemudian, kalau presiden yang keempat, ya yang milih itu yang gila," celetuk Gus Dur.

Fidel Castro pun diceritakan terpingkal-pingkal mendengar dagelan tersebut.

Nenek doyan ngemut

2009-12-22T18:06:00.002+07:00

Para PSK sedang mendapat perawatan dari dinas kesehatan secara reguler. Adapun maksud dan tujuanya adalah untuk memproteksi pekerja agar tidak terserang virus HIV membahayakan itu.

Nah, kali ini mereka mendapat giliran untuk disuntik satu persatu. Karena jumlah PSK akhir-akhir ini meningkat, antrian menjadi panjang banget sampai ke jalanan.

Melihat fenomena mengantri ini, seorang nenek merasa heran dan ingin tahu. Rasa ingin tahu ini memaksanya bertanya pada seorang anak muda yang kebenaran lewat.

“Ada apaan Mas, kok orang-orang pada ngantri,” tanya si Nenek antusias

“Oooo itu Nek, ada pembagian permen” jawab si anak muda, iseng, membohongi si Nenek.

“Asyik dong, kalau gitu saya juga mau,” seru nenek sembari ikutan ngantri.

Karena mengharapkan sejumlah permen, si Nenek pun ikutan ngantri, lelah sedikit tidak jadi soal. Kesabaranya membuahkan hasil. Kini gilirannya menghadap petugas.

“Wah, Nenek diusia segini masih kuat juga?” tanya petugas bercampur heran.

“Yah, buat isep-isep sih masih kuat.” jawab Nenek polos sembari menyiapkan wadah permen

“Haaaaa…..!!!!!?????” Petugas makin heran dan terbelalak, wakakakakakak

Einstein dan Mr Bean

2009-12-08T10:38:00.002+07:00

Einstein dan Mr bean duduk berdampingan di dalam sebuah penerbangan. Einstein mengajak memainkan sebuah permainan.

Einstein: Aku akan mengajukan satu pertanyaan, jika Anda tidak tahu jawabannya maka Anda membayar saya hanya $ 5, dan jika saya tidak tahu jawabannya, saya akan membayar Anda $ 500.

Einstein mengajukan pertanyaan pertama: Berapa jarak dari Bumi ke Bulan?

Mr Bean tidak mengucapkan sepatah kata pun, merogoh saku, mengeluarkan $ 5.

Sekarang, giliran Mr Bean... Dia bertanya kepada Einstein: Apakah yang naik ke atas bukit dengan 3 kaki, dan akan turun di 4 kaki?

Einstein melakukan pencarian internet, dan meminta semua teman-temannya yg cerdas. Setelah satu jam ia memberikan Mr Bean $ 500.

Einstein sambil penasaran bertanya: Nah, jadi apa naik keatas bukit dengan tiga kaki dan turun dengan empat kaki ??

Mr Bean merogoh saku, dan memberikan Einstein $ 5.

Great Fart

2009-11-18T16:15:00.002+07:00

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth .'

IDA DAN ADI

2009-10-28T15:22:00.001+07:00

Ida dan Adi telah menikah selama 40 tahun. Suatu hari ketika Ida pulang dari menjenguk saudaranya, didapatinya Adi sedang berhubungan intim dengan perempuan muda usia 25 tahun di kamarnya.

Dengan marah Ida membanting pintu dan bermaksud pergi meninggalkan rumah. Adi mengejarnya sambil berkata, "Dengar dulu dong penjelasanku. Paling tidak sebelum kamu pergi, kamu tahu asal mula kejadian ini."Agak penasaran.

Ida menghentikan langkahnya.

"Tadi waktu pulang kantor, aku melihat perempuan muda ini di jalan, dengan pakaian compang camping dan basah akibat kehujanan. Merasa kasihan, aku bawa dia kerumah.Dia lapar, jadi aku beri makanan yang kamu simpan di kulkas, yang kamu sudah lupa.”

Sang isteri masih terdiam.

”Lalu kuberi pakaianmu yang sudah lama tidak kamu pakai karena kekecilan. Lalu aku lihat dia tidak pakai alas kaki, jadi aku beri sandalmu yang tidak kaupakai lagi karena sudah ketinggalan jaman. Terus aku beri dia sweater yang dulu kubelikan untuk ulang tahunmu, tapi nggak pernah kamu pakai juga karena warnanya tidak cocok," kata suaminya melanjutkan.

Sang isteri masih menunggu kea rah mana suaminya bicara.

Sang suami menambahkan, "Sebenarnya perempuan tersebut sudah mau pergi sampai dia bertanya,"Masih ada nggak barang yang tidak pernah lagi dipakai oleh istri Bapak?"?????

CINA CERDIK

2009-10-23T18:54:00.002+07:00

Acai pergi ke sebuah Bank dan berniat untuk meminjam uang sebesar Rp 20 juta untuk perjalanan bisnis ke China selama 2 minggu. Pegawai bank mengatakan bahwa bank tersebut membutuhkan suatu jaminan untuk pinjaman tersebut. Acai setuju dan menawarkan mobil Ferrari baru yang di parkir di depan bank sebagai jaminan.

Setelah Acai tersebut pergi, kepala cabang dan pegawai2 bank tersebut menertawai Acai karena menggunakan mobil Ferrari baru seharga Rp 4 milyar sebagai jaminan terhadap pinjaman sebesar Rp 20 juta.

Seorang pegawai bank kemudian memarkir mobil Ferrari tersebut ke dalam underground garage milik bank tersebut.

Dua minggu kemudian, Acai kembali, dan membayar hutang sebesar Rp 20 juta dan bunganya sebesar Rp 10.500.

Pegawai bank berkata, "Ko Acai, kami sangat senang bisa berbisnis dengan Engkoh, dan transaksi ini berjalan dengan lancar. Tapi kami sedikit bingung. Ketika Engkoh pergi, kami mengecek bahwa Engkoh adalah seorang konglomerat. Mengapa Engkoh repot2 meminjam uang sebesar Rp 20 juta?"

Acai membalas sambil tertawa penuh kemenangan, "Di mana lagi tempat di Jakarta yang bisa digunakan untuk memarkir mobil saya dengan aman dan dijaga oleh satpam 24 jam HANYA dengan harga Rp 10.500, selama 2 minggu!!"

Dasar Cina cerdik!

KEMBAR BANYAK

2009-10-23T10:14:00.002+07:00

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman..

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Also if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ' Spaghetti ' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

‘Honey, ' she said, ' You received a very strange post card today. '

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later, ' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce

GOING HOME

2009-10-19T11:16:00.001+07:00

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Girl wants to marry a rich guy.

2009-10-13T15:01:00.002+07:00

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum: Pretty Girl Wants to Marry Rich Guy Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.

My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated,the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden, $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please listdown the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym). 2) Which age group should I target? 3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who don't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys 4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who canonly be your girlfriend? (My target now is to getmarried)

Ms. Pretty

Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty, I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situationas a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the stand point of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you.

The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of beauty and money: Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year.

Hence from the view point of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later. By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a trading position. If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or leased.

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in leasing services, do contact me.

Signed,J.P. Morgan

Orang gila naik perahu.

2009-10-13T14:07:00.001+07:00

Suatu hari ada tiga orang laki-laki yang sedang duduk di atas sebuah tembok. Orang yang paling kiri dan yang paling kanan sedang melakukan gerakan seperti sedang memancing ikan, sedangkan yang tengah hanya melamun.

Tidak lama kemudian seorang polisi datang dan menegur orang yang di tengah, "Maaf mas, apa teman anda yang di samping kiri dan kanan ini gila?"

Laki-laki yang di tengah mengangguk.

"Kalau begitu, tolong anda bawa pergi dari sini sebelum membuat keributan," imbau Polisi.

Laki-laki yang di tengah mengangguk lagi, kemudian dia langsung melakukan gerakan seperti sedang mendayung perahu.

WRONG ANSWER!

2009-10-13T13:51:00.003+07:00

A radio station is doing a quiz for couples to win a free holiday to Hawaii. The participant have to answer 3 questions and the prize will be theirs if they give the same exact answers. And now the presenter already connected to one guy in his office.

Presenter: Michael, are you ready for the first question?

Michael: Yes I am ready.

Presenter: OK When did the last time you make love to your wife?

Michael: This morning about 7 am.

Presenter: OK. How long did you do it?

Michael: Well I think…. hmm about 10 minutes I guess.

Presenter: OK here is the last question; where did you do it?

Michael: Well it’s a little bit embarrassing, we did it in the kitchen.

Presenter: Really? How come? This is not a question on the list but…

Michael: I understand. My mother is visiting our house and we have no extra room, so our kids is sleeping in our room…

Presenter: Hahahaha OK. Now we will contact your wife Susan at home. Let’s pray that she will give me the same answer…

SFX : Tuuuut…tuuuut…

Presenter: Susan, Your husband still on the line. Are you ready for the first question?

Susan : Yes I am ready.

Presenter: OK When did the last time you make love to your husband?

Susan : What? Is that really the question?

Presenter: Yes it is. Michael have given his answer and now I am waiting for yours.

Susan: Hmm ok. This morning about 7 am.

Presenter: OK. How long did you do it?

Susan: Oh no. I don’t want to answer that. Michael, have you answered this stupid question?

Michael: Yes darling. Please answer it for me.

Susan: Well I am not sure. Hmm about 15 minutes I guess.

Presenter: OK we can accept that. Of course all wives will say their husbands are stronger and want to show that their husbands is a strong men. We can accept that. OK we go to last question; where did you do it?

Susan: Oh no! Michael, what are you doing to me?

Michael: Darling, it’s only a question…

Susan: No! I am not crazy enough to answer this question.

Michael: Darling please listen to me. Just answer this question. Your answer is our ticket to Hawaii…

Presenter: Guys, we don’t have all day. Susan, this is the final step for a free trip to Hawaii. I will only repeat this question once or you will lost this opportunity. Once again this is a question; where did you do it…?

Michael: Please darling….do it for me.

Presenter: Susan…

Susan: In the ass.

Then there was a long silence in the radio….

CERITE DARI NEGERI MALAY

2009-09-10T10:47:00.002+07:00

Anda teringin sangat nak berpoligami? Tetapi sanggup ke isteri anda bermadu tiga? Berdebatlah dulu untuk mendapat jawapan yang menyakinkan. Jika tidak, silap haribulan anda bakal menjadi mencetus perang besar yang mana diakhirnya kekalahan pasti jatuh ke tangan anda. Ada berani?

Al-kisah seorang suami sedang mencari-cari helah untuk membolehkan dia berkahwin lagi..

Suami : Lelaki kawin 3 baru lah sah.

Isteri : Kenapa pula?

Suami : Cuba terjemahkan ke dalam Bahasa Inggeris, "satu" is one, "dua" is two, "tiga" is three (baca: ISTRI). Baru betul dan sah kan!...

Isteri : Tapi abang kena faham Bahasa Inggeris, terutama tentang "singular" dan "plural"?

Suami : Berkenaan apa tu?

Isteri : Satu tu "Singular"; dua atau lebih "Plural".

Suami : Contohnya?

Isteri : One car sebagai singular, two cars sebagai plural. Apa bezanya?

Suami : Ohhh... tambah huruf "s" untuk yang plural.

Isteri : Betul tu. Sama juga la untuk abang.

Suami : Macam mana pula boleh sama?

Isteri : Satu isteri abang MAMPU, jika dua isteri dah jadi plural, maka abang MAMPUS, tambah "s" kan ?

Lepas daripada tu, si suami tidak pernah lagi berceritakan hasratnya untuk berkahwin lagi.

NAMA BIKIN BINGUNG

2009-08-11T18:31:00.001+07:00

Shouldnt chinese people had their english name?

Caller : hello,can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone) ?

Operator : yes, you can speak with me.

Caller : no, I want to speak with Annie Wan (anyone) !!

Operator : you are talking to someone ! Who is this ?

Caller : I'm Sam Wan (someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.

Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller : well.. Just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother noel wan (no one) has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.

Operator : look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller : you are so rude! Who are you?

Operator : I'm Saw lee (sorry)

Caller : yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!!

ASEP MASUK SORGA

2009-08-04T19:48:00.002+07:00

Setelah Asep meninggal dunia, sampailah dia di depan persimpangan jalan antara surga dan neraka. Syarat orang yang ditetapkan untuk bisa masuk surga adalah orang yang berbuat dosa tidak sampai 100 kali.

Malaikat: Asep, kamu beruntung sekali..

Asep: Kenapa kat?

Malaikat: Dosa kamu tercatat hanya 99 saja..

Asep: (gile...ampir aje gw masuk ke neraka sono.hehe...asiiikkk!)

Malaikat: Oke, silahkan kamu jalan ke sebelah kanan. nanti ada pintu surga disana. Buka sendiri aja ya...

Asep: Oke kat! thanks ya...Dengan senang riang Asep berlari menuju pintu surga.

Namun ketika dia membuka pintu surga, dia langsung terhenti sejenak ketika ia begitu terpesona melihat betapa indahnya surga itu, lalu ia mengucek- ngucek matanya seraya berkata, Asep: Anjriiit!!! Keren banget ...!!

Malaikat yang tadi dengan reflex melihat ke Asep yang berkata begitu kasar (ngatain surga lagi..)

Malaikat: eh eh... puter balik sini lu sep. jalan ke neraka sono.. jadi seratus dosa lo sekarang... maap ya sep.. soalnya udah peraturan ...

5 RIDDLES

2009-08-04T19:33:00.000+07:00

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN....THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM....RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING...ENJOY. ..THIS SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMERS FOR YEARS....

Questions :

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd.. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

Answers:

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

Does Management know their Staff?

2009-08-03T15:54:00.003+07:00

On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.

He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies to everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man I just fired?"

To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"

English plesetan!

2009-08-03T15:51:00.001+07:00

A Mexican, a black, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink when a good-looking girl comes up to them and says "whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me".

So the white guy says "I love liver and cheese."

She says "that's not good enough."

The black says "I hate liver and cheese."

She says "that's not creative."

And then the Mexican says "liver alone cheese mine."

Answer and question.

2009-08-03T15:50:00.000+07:00

Question : Why is sex like money in the bank?

Answer : Because when you withdraw, you lose interest.

LUCKY GUY!

2009-08-03T15:48:00.001+07:00

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast.

He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me."

She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."

3 words that i hate so much.

2009-08-03T15:45:00.000+07:00

"What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love?"

Honey, I'm home!"

Pig is the winner!

2009-08-03T15:41:00.000+07:00

When a bear, a lion and a pig meet, bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

Pig says: "Big deal... I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear."

DIVORCE LETTER

2009-08-03T15:31:00.002+07:00

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-HusbandP.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.I hope that's not a problem.

FRED AND MARY

2009-08-03T10:53:00.001+07:00

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

TWINS ARE DRUNK AGAIN

2009-08-03T10:47:00.002+07:00

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."

So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"

The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?"

"I'm from Dublin."

Second man stunned says. "Me too! What street do you live on?"

"McCarthy street."

Second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?."

The first man announces, "162."

Second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?"

First man replies, "Connor and Shannon"

Second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?"

"Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Businessman in a Tavern

2009-08-03T10:41:00.002+07:00

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

SMART ANSWER.

2009-08-03T10:39:00.001+07:00

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother in law?"

He said: "Call for backup."

SELESAI OPERASI

2009-07-28T12:36:00.003+07:00

Seorang Ibu berusia 55 tahun sangat memperdulikan penampilannya. Didukung oleh kondisi ekonominya yang mapan, si Ibu selalu merawat badan, kulit wajah dan bagian2 penting dari anggota tubuhnya di berbagai salon kecantikan terkemuka, supaya dia akan selalu terlihat muda dan sexy.

Suatu hari si Ibu mengeluarkan uang banyak untuk menarik kulit wajahnya agar kelihatan lebih muda lagi. Bangga dengan hasil perawatan tersebut, si Ibu keluar dari salon dan bertanya pada seorang pengemis yg nongkrong di depan salon.

Ibu : Pak, menurut Anda, saya berusia berapa?

Pengemis : Kira-kira 40 tahun... Bu"

Ibu : Hahaha... salah Pak! sebenarnya saya sudah berusia 55 tahun! Terima kasih.. ini untuk Anda.. (sambil memberikan selembar uang 50 ribuan pada si pengemis).

Si Ibu bangga dengan penampilannya yang awet muda, berjalan sambil tersenyum si Ibu kembali bertanya pada seorang penjual koran di trotoar jalanan.

Ibu : Dik, menurut kamu saya umur berapa?

Penjual koran : Paling tua mungkin 45 tahun, Bu..

Ibu : Oh terima kasih... saya berumur 55 tahun kok, saya beli koran dan semua majalah kamu...

Kemudian Si Ibu masuk ke restoran Mc. Donald dan baris di antrian. Tiba pada giliran si Ibu di depan kasir untuk membayar, kembali si Ibu bertanya sambil mengeluarkan dompetnya.

Ibu : Dik... Menurut kamu saya usianya berapa?

Kasir : Paling-paling cuma 35 tahun kali Bu?

Ibu : Terima kasih Dik! Ambil semua uang kembaliannya untuk kamu. Kamu tidak sangka yah saya sudah berusia 55 tahun? hahahaha!!!

Hari ini si Ibu merasa sangat bangga dan bahagia.. Senyuman seakan tak pernah lepas dari bibirnya. Sambil berjalan santai, si Ibu meliat seorang kakek tua yang bungkuk bersandar di dekat halte bis. Si Ibu masih ingin mendengarkan pujian indah sekali lagi, minimal untuk hari ini. Si Ibu lantas menghampiri kakek tua tersebut.

Ibu : Kakek, maaf saya ingin bertanya, menurut Anda, kira2 saya berusia berapa?

Kakek tua : saya sulit menebaknya... saya baru akan bisa menebaknya dengan akurat melalui sentuhan..

Ibu : Loh?? Kan dilihat saja bisa langsung menebak? Apanya yg harus disentuh?

Kakek tua : maaf Dik.. saya sudah tua, mata pun rabun. Tapi saya yakin bisa menebak dengan akurat bila saya menyentuh... maaf... maksud saya menyentuh... buah dada Anda..

Ibu (berpikir keras) : masa sih saya harus membiarkan si kakek menyentuh saya? Tapi... seakurat apa sih tebakan si kakek? Si Ibu sempat lama berpikir dan akhirnya memutuskan, si kakek boleh menyentuh sebentar demi mengobati rasa penasarannya.

Si kakek langsung memasukkan kedua tangannya ke dalam bra si Ibu, memegang, meraba dan meremas2nya dengan penuh perasaan!

Ibu : Aduh kakek sudahh.... jangan lama2! Ayo coba sekarang cepat sebutkan, saya umur berapa??

Kakek : USIA KAMU PASTI 55 TAHUN!!

Ibu (melotot dan tercengang) : hahhh??? Bagaimana kakek bisa begitu yakin?? Bagaimana bisa tau begitu akurat??

Kakek : saya dengar sendiri kamu yang bilang begitu ke kasir di Mc. Donald.. Tadi saya yang antri di belakangmu.......

Grandma's Boyfriend

2009-06-10T11:14:00.001+07:00

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

JANDA TAPI PERAWAN.

2009-05-27T14:05:00.002+07:00

Seorang janda yang sudah 3X kawin cerai periksa di Dokter Kandungan. Waktu dokter mau periksa bagian dalam, terjadilah percakapan.

Janda: Hati2 periksanya ya dok, saya masih perawan lho ...!

Dokter: Lho? Katanya ibu sudah kawin-cerai 3X, mana bisa masih perawan?

Janda: Gini loh dok, eks suami saya yang pertama ternyata impoten ...

Dokter: Oh gitu, tapi suami ibu yg ke-2 gak impoten kan?

Janda: Betul dok tapi dia gay, jadi saya gak diapa2in sama dia ...

Dokter: Lalu suami ibu yg ke-3 gak impoten dan bukan gay kan?

Janda: Betul dok, tapi ternyata dia itu orang "PARTAI POLITIK"....

Dokter: Lalu apa hubungannya dengan keperawanan ibu ...?

Janda: Dia cuma janji2 aja dok, 'gak pernah realisasi!!!

Dokter: ?!?!?!?!????

GOD CREATED....

2009-05-27T13:36:00.002+07:00

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Here are the the difference...

2009-05-26T15:48:00.002+07:00

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why t he cow has dropped dead..

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.No balance sheet provided with the release.The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.You have 300 people milking them.You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.You tell them that you have none.No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.Business seems pretty good.You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.The one on the left looks very attractive..

RENUNGAN

2009-05-26T15:38:00.001+07:00

Suatu hari seorang bapak tua hendak menumpang bus. Pada saat ia menginjakkan kakinya ke tangga, salah satu sepatunya terlepas dan jatuh ke jalan. Lalu pintu tertutup dan bus mulai bergerak, sehingga ia tidak bisa memungut sepatu yang terlepas tadi.

Si bapak tua itu dengan tenang melepas sepatunya yang sebelah dan melemparkannya keluar jendela.

Seorang pemuda yang duduk dalam bus melihat kejadian itu, dan bertanya kepada si bapak tua, "Aku memperhatikan apa yang Anda lakukan Pak. Mengapa Anda melemparkan sepatu Anda yang sebelah juga?".

Si bapak tua menjawab, "Supaya siapa pun yang menemukan sepatuku bisa memanfaatkannya".